I Hate my Ward

By Allen Daniels

Hate is a strong word. But it's honest. I don't use the word hate very often, maybe never. Except when my kids eat with their mouth open and make that horrible slurping and chomping sound while half the food falls back to the plate. I've told them, if there is any reason one is cast off to outer-darkness, it would be for eating with their mouth open.

Do I really "hate" my Ward? Not in the arch-enemy, plot-its-destruction, the church has destroyed my life kind of hate. I have no bitterness or resentment for anyone in my Ward. I love the gospel of Christ profoundly. If it's possible to have an unshakable faith, I do. Father has blessed or by unfortunate circumstance, allow for trials I would never have expected or desired in my life. For me, my life experiences and challenges have only added to my faith and made me more committed to building up the Kingdom of God. But I do hate attending my Ward.

If you think it's because I am negative, or not "making the best" of the Ward, you are part of the problem. I've been in my word for well over 10 years now. I've put my heart and soul into my callings, meetings and service. I've been in the EQ presidency, taught Seminary, taught Sunday School and have organized Ward presentations/firesides. I've been an involved and passionate Scout Leader and speaker at Zions Camp. My passion, testimony and commitment to my callings isn't subjective only. At the most recent Zions camp, the participants survey results rated me as the second most enjoyable/rewarding part of their camp experience. I was asked to organize a Sunday School designed for specific needs of our Ward. This unique Sunday School class ended up being adopted throughout the Stake and various Wards throughout the world. Again, I love "the church" and my heart and mind are fully committed.

But when I hear people say phrases like, "the Ward is only what you make it." It's hard to not received that phrase as trite, minimizing and feeding into the problem. My heart has been weighed heavily with the concern I am not "making the best" of my Ward. When I hear individuals, I respect get up in Fast and Testimony meeting and declare this is "the best Ward" they have ever attended. My sincere thought is either, this is the first Ward they've ever been in or their previous Wards were somehow much worse. I know, I know... please don't minimize my experience by suggesting this Ward is what those individuals need in their lives right now. I'm not dismissing their experience or suggesting they are lying. But it's NOT MY experience.

Which by the way, is such an unhealthy cultural oddity, to point out how others are doing "better" and suggesting you're either not doing it right or you need to do MORE of what others are doing. It was in realizing this cultural oddity (that is not unique to Mormons), that I realized to a large part why I hated my Ward. They don't see me.

I couldn't care less if I get recognition, attention or callings. But I do want to be seen. Seen, as an individual. This is so bizarre for me to see written. Because, if you knew me you would say I am one of the most comfortable, easy to talk with people you've met. Yes, I am that person. So why is it that I am struggling so much with the Ward? In the decade plus, I've lived in this Ward. There hasn't been ONE person whose engage me like a Friend. I've been engaged in as an expert and talents, and my leadership within callings. But NEVER as a Friend.

When I joined the Ward, my wife and I had families and individuals over at least twice a month and at times almost weekly. It became so exhausting trying to connect with members of the Ward that I eventual discontinued the dinners and "game nights". However, over the years I saw how other couples in the Ward were building friendships. In no way was I jealous, but I did wonder, "what more can I do to foster relationships in the Ward?" Honestly, it was more confusing than anything else. I was looking for the proverbial "kick me" sign taped to my back. Why wasn't I getting invited to other homes and friendships not being built. I would acknowledge this reality in what I felt was a healthy observance and move on with Faith.

I have no desire in anyway, to stop attending. But the pain of attending has grown over the years in a baffling way. It's been tempting to just stay home and dive into gospel study time, instead of attending. I am confident it would be significantly more rewarding. Those who might suggest THIS is my faith trail, it’s not. I hate my Ward. I don't doubt the Gospel of Christ in any way. One doesn't have "faith" in attending church. One has faith and attends church.

Others have suggested that maybe it's me. I sincerely appreciate their candor and I agree that self-reflection is essential when the only common denominator seems to be themselves. It's possible, I won’t take that off the table. However, I struggle accepting that as the "reason" because this is the first time in the many Wards I've attended over the decades that I've experienced this isolation and inadvisable. I'm not afraid to admit or confront my limitations and will continue to self-evaluate my role in my Ward experience.

For now, this is my attempt to "make the best" of my Ward. Some might see it as a rant and negative. That's fine. I would hope that others see it as working through my concern with faith and tears. Resentment like in all types of relationships grows if the underlining issues are not address. I have no desire to be negative or grow resentment. Rather this is my attempt and desire in growing activity.